Tooting Our Own Horn

Ah New Year's Eve... A time for useless lists about the previous year. Instead of re-posting a top ten of the year I am going to display links to our personal favorites in the sidebar over on the right somewhere, "Best Of The Best: Creepy On Wheels." I hope you like it.And, yes, I did design that impressive arrow graphic myself (I am very Internet savvy). It also points you to the sidebar, where you will find our Facebook group. Please join and spread the plate-rage. We will love you forever.
Thanks everyone for a great year!

Or I Will Put You In The Naughty Chair

Happy New Year's Eve everyone! Here is a plate with a good recommendation for tonight's festivities. Except, after you read this story from LadyStyx, you find out that this driver does not, in fact, "play nice"

LOL. I wish I could have gotten the bumper sticker in there too. It said, "I Bet You'll Vote Next Time, Hippie." This one was definitely not a fan of President Bush as his pic was next to the words on the bumper sticker and the other sticker on the car said, "I Don't Have to Like Bush To Love My Country." In any case, love the prez or not, we all need to play nice.

I totally agree, LadyStyx. What would motivate someone to get a plate like that and then put two nasty bumper stickers near it? And would have it been so hard to put a "Y" where that blank space is?

I Love It When You Call Me Big Mama

Here is a lovely email we received from Shea:

My husband caught this as he was driving. Since I now try to keep my trusty camera with me at all times, I grabbed a quick pic of it. First I was thinking why would anyone advertise their size like that, and then I saw the Where's Bubba? on the plate. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Did she sit on him?

Ha! Do any of you know where Bubba is?

Did It Hurt... ?

... When you fell from heaven?

I am assuming HEVNSNT means "Heaven Sent," but if you stare at this one a little longer other things start to come to mind. The first I thought of was "Heave and Snot" and then "Heaven's Nut." Another perfect example of why vanity plate word shortening usually is a bad idea.

This plate came to us courtesy of Poetry Sue in Nevada. I liked her email:

Here ya go! I hate plates like this... it might as well say God's Gift to the world... so snooty.

I think a lot of us agree with you Sue. Great work!

You've got to pray just to make it today

Jen H. sent us this picture for Lovin' the Lord Sunday. This plate is just odd to me, because I can't seem to put it into context. Is it:

-An exclamation? Oh pray!

-Maya Angelou fan? Oh pray my wings are going to fit me well.

-You just realized something that was difficult to understand and now you have the answer? Oooooh... pray.

-That's how we say opera? Man, them people sure sing funny at the oh-pray.

Any other ideas?

Would You Like Some Sheesh With That Whine?

Marisa M. wrote this most humorous email to us:

I was in Colorado Springs recently on business, toodling down the highway in my rental car lost as usual when this green car revved past me and cut me off. Guess I wasn't going fast enough for him. When I saw the plate, I went from pissed to laughing, since it seemed custom made just for that moment--SHEEESH you tourist drivers are so damn slow!

Vanity plates are not a free ticket jerk-land people!

Your Honor, She Asked For It

BMPRCAR = Bumper Car. The plate rage inside of me just wants to scream: Why, yes, I can slam my car into yours. Nothing like whiplash and a lawsuit to complete your lovely vanity plate message. What kind of annoys me more though is the Darwin Fish Cat. What does that even mean?

Our thanks goes to Katlin for sending this one in.

More of my slightly edited poetry

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The vanity plates were hung on the Hummer with care,
In hopes relief for my narcissism would soon be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads

With the Ms. in her kerchief and the Mr. in his cap,
We're going to settle down, for a long Christmas nap.

Happy Christmas to all; And to all a vanity free night!

We hope everyone has a Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

With love,

Mr. and Ms. HLP

Oh, and if you are curious, more crappy poetry here.

SANTA?! I KNOW HIM!!

Stephanie F. wrote to me a few weeks ago: I took this picture outside of a store that was having pictures with Santa. I guess the sleigh needed an upgrade!

I thought Santa drove a big red sleigh, not an Oldsmobile Cutlass? And why does he have Virginia plates? Oh well, at least there won't be any reindeer pooping on my roof this Christmas if Santa arrives in his sedan. Ho, ho, ho.

Reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from the best Christmas movie ever, Elf:

Buddy: Who the heck are you?
Gimbel's Santa: What are you talkin' about? I'm Santa Claus.
Buddy: No, you're not.
Gimbel's Santa: Uh, why of course I am! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Buddy: Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?
Gimbel's Santa: Um, Happy Birthday of course. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. How old are you son?
Kid with Santa: Four.
Gimbel's Santa: You're a big boy. What's your name?
Kid with Santa: Paul.
Gimbel's Santa: Now what can I get you for Christmas?
Buddy: Don't tell him what you want, he's a liar.
Gimbel's Santa: Let the kid talk.
Buddy: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Gimbel's Santa: Just cool it, Zippy.
Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.
Gimbel's Santa: Look, I'm not kiddin'.
Buddy: You're a fake.
Gimbel's Santa: I'm a fake?
Buddy: Yes!
Gimbel's Santa: How'd you like to be dead, huh? Ho, ho, just kidding.
Buddy: You stink.
Gimbel's Santa: I think you're gonna have a good Christmas, all right.
Buddy: You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa.

Brrr, It's Cold In Here; There Must Be Vanity In The At-mos-phere

Yes, it's freezing cold. According to the weather channel it feels like a brisk -31°F (-35°C) here as I type this. But wait, is this driver cold, or do they want you to know how their engine sounds when they are passing you on the right going 85 in a 55? Maybe this is their summer car?

I'm not sure what this driver was going for, what do you think?

Thanks for the photo, Amanda R.

Sorry About Your Inferiority Complex...

Thanks, Captain Obvious. I didn't know if you were driving a Hummer or not, so I had to look to your vanity plate to clarify. If there is anything that is more annoying than a Hummer (Hi! I like to waste gas and run over children), it's a Hummer with a vanity plate. Thanks to LadyStyx (official member of the platerazzi) for sending this one our way. I'm almost positive this won't be our last Hummer plate.

Do you know what the Urban Dictionary says about hummers? Errr never mind...

I know the blogosphere seems to be taking a break from writing over the holidays, but we are mental here at VP:CI8COL, so we are going to keep posting daily. Check back with us, because we have some good stuff coming up!

J35U5

When I first started this, I didn't know how long I could keep doing a Lovin' the Lord Sunday feature. I thought surely it would last a few weeks and then I would have to move on, but holy, holy, look who's 9 weeks into this thing!

H3 L1V3S. We can't be exactly sure who H3 is, but I have an idea. This whole expression of religion on vanity plates strikes me as odd. Number one, because this is a VANITY plate, and number two, because most states have a rule about this: Under DMV plate regulations, the agency bans mention of "race, religion, color, deity, ethnic heritage, gender, sexual orientation, disability status or political affiliation ... ." But the faithful readers of this website know that this is horse poop. People get away with just about anything on their license plates (much to our entertainment). Even the l33t Christians.

I always love what you guys come up with as alternatives to "him," so what are your thoughts on who "he" really is?

Who needs Prozac when you have vanity plates to tell you how to feel?

B HAPPEE. Because really folks, it's just that easy, right? I think I would be happier if the plate read BE HAPPY, because then at least it would be spelled correctly. If there is one concept that vanity plate owners can't seem to grasp is that it's very hard for the rest of us to take you seriously, especially with a botched statement such as this attached to your car.ENJOYLF: Enjoy life. I thought this plate would be a nice complement to B HAPPEE. And by "nice complement" and I mean, "Uhhhggghhhh."

Note: Holiday = Travel. Travel = Vanity Plates + Disgruntled Drivers. Please send your plates and stories to horriblelicenseplates[at]gmail[dot]com.

Photo 1 Credit to Larisa S. from Oregon
Photo 2 credit to Smoochiefrog

Small Humanoids With Bulbous Heads

A second, unexpected benefit to starting this website has been googling the oddities that people send to our inbox. We have been thoroughly entertained by all the fascinating stories behind some of the license plates on this site. I usually see quite a few interesting vanity plates on the roads, but don't have the opportunity or means to look up what they stand for with my hands at 10 and 2. Ya dig? So it's nice to sit down and understand the explanations of these things.

This one came to us courtesy of Lexi. My initial reaction to this picture was why would anyone want to brag about their oddly shaped skulls? Wikipedia clarified what a Melon Head was however, so here goes:

Melon Heads is the name given to mysterious beings found in long-running urban legends in parts of Michigan, Ohio, and Connecticut. They are described as small humanoids with bulbous heads who occasionally emerge from their hiding places to attack people.

Uh, awesome. Maybe I should edit the page to say they drive SUVs too? More info on the Melon Heads can be found here and here. Creeptastic!

Check out the double Qs on that lady!

I am going to go ahead and say that this might be the greatest plate I have seen so far. Now, usually we are haters of vanity plates, but there are some very rare plates we see that make us rethink our philosophy.

This is one of them.

First, this driver supports (get it, supports, har har) a really great cause. Second, they managed to use the letter of the alphabet with an actual nipple on it. Don't those double Qs look like a set of boobies? Heehee, I said boobies!

Thanks to Robyn for sending this in.

Keeping up with our diarrhea theme

Ah! Tis the season for snow all over your poop-themed vanity plate. If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be this-- Google your license plate's phrase before you make it a reality. I mean, your nickname could be slang for crotch, or in this case something entirely different than what you were intending. The definition of turista is:

traveler's diarrhea, esp. as experienced by some visitors to Latin America.

All I have to say is: Really?

Good catch, Squidrox.

When the feeling's not that nice; And you have to flush it twice

The picture is a little dark, so if you are having trouble reading this plate, it says AVONREA. Now, the logical interpretation here is that Rea is an Avon seller. Duh. But, all I could think of after this picture downloaded was: What happens as a result of an Avon product overdose? Jen H., who kindly sent in this photo, helps us with the answer:

...it just conjured up the mental image of diarrhea involving makeup.

Yum.

Alright, who wants to try a swig of this revitalizing facial cream?

(btw, the title of this post came from this most humorous blog)

Nice Booty!

Well, shiver me timbers Matey! Look what Virginia brings us today. A real life pirate: ARMATE. I just have to know though-- How many poopdecks do you have to scrub in order for the state of Virginia to put a picture of pirate ship on your plate?

Aye, I must note that while the back of this buccaneer's car is quite entertaining, we will still make him walk the plank for having a vanity plate. Sorry dude, those are the rules.

Shea managed to snap this photo for us. We have a barrel 'o grog for ya the next time you come 'round. Arrrrsome work.

I believe in a thing called SPELLING

For all you NUBS out there I would like to introduce you to the part of the week I like to call Lovin' the Lord Sunday. A place where we can get together and decipher your vanity plate's religious message. Today's submission comes from Heather.

I would like to believe that this driver was the winner of the 6th grade spelling championship, but I know I am dead wrong. Get your red pen out ladies and gents.

For the record, BELIEVE is spelled BELIEVE not BELEIVE. Subtle, but important for something that goes on your car for an entire year.

BIGTOYZ for insecure BOYZ

Ah, yes. Another man trying to prove that his stuff is better than your stuff.

My sweet Google search led me to this yahoo answers question: At what age do guys finally grow up...? Answerer #5's response: Oh sweetie, they never grow up! The only difference between men and boys is the size of their toys. This might certainly apply.

Thanks to Miss Kolleen for the submission!

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

Here is a perfect example of why the plate rage fire just BURNS inside of me. Jamie P. thought this photo would be the perfect addition to the Horrible License Plates collection, and we certainly agree.

I can only imagine what this driver looks like. For some reason that scene from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me keeps running through my head. The one where Fat Bastard is rubbing his moobs saying, "I'm dead sexy. Look at my sexy body."

I did find this really funny article (copied below) on McSweeney's the other day. I think it goes perfect with today's post. WAY SEXY, this one's for you.

Modesty Plates
BY LUCAS KLAUSS

NOT2GR8
MEDIOCR
103IQ
LILFAT
DECENT
SHRUG
2NDRATE
TOLRABL
OKCOOK
VANILLA
UR2KIND
REALLY?
OSTOPIT
MIDLING
OKDOCTR
AVGBUTT
EH

Identity Crisis

You know, this is funny for a number of reasons. The first is that you put the word 1ND1ANA on your Virginia license plate. Being a native Hoosier myself, I do agree with you that Indiana is pretty swell. But is Virginia really that bad?

Also, I'm enjoying the fact that you used the oh-so-clever tactic of replacing "I"s with "1"s on your vanity plate (a popular technique of your kind). It's amazing to think that in Virginia the plate INDIANA was already taken, causing you to improvise. Our thanks goes to Michelle M. for sending in this photo.

Have you ever spotted an identity crisis on the road?

IMINMY car, laughing at you

Get it? IMINMY? This car is a Honda Element. So it's: I'm in my ELEMENT.

*crickets*

Yeah that's just the reaction I had. Ah, my brain hurts.

Our thanks goes to Tracy W. who sent this lovely photo our way.

Stands For: Pass My Shotgun

PMS-666

Just when I thought that all of the PMS vanity plates had been sent to me, here comes another one (sent in by Georgina S). This one is a bit confusing at first because it does look like the standard 3 letter, 3 number license plates out there, but I feel there is no way the random-machine came up with this one on its own. If it did, I owe the random-machine a high five.

I guess the acronym "PMS" wasn't enough of a scare tactic, so this driver went ahead and added the "666," to you know, sprinkle a little Satan on her most pleasant personality. Good catch Georgina!

Probably Something You Shouldn't Advertise

Ah, I love the smell of creepy in the morning! I thought all the pervs lived in Wisconsin, but I guess I am wrong. April H, the sender of this photo, writes:

From simply being in proximity to this car, I'm thinking of changing my plate to VIOL8D.

Indeed.

What makes you such a violator, VIOL8R? Do you fart loudly in the elevator? Did you write the word "boobies" with your pee in the snow outside of church? Do you hit on teens? I mean, you can't be violating other cars with a KIA, can you?

It's actually TWO WORDS

Is it BIBLE? Or Jesus? Or poop? I don't know. All I know is that if you read this website regularly, you know that it seems like most outwardly religious vanity plate owners only drive luxury vehicles, which confuses me a bit. That is a Cadillac logo above the vanity plate, for the record.

Thanks again to Smoochiefrog, who I officially welcome to the plate-arazzi. Your work is much appreciated!

Rollin' on Nubs

Interpretation: PWN NUBS = pwn n00bs

Last I checked, you pwn n00bs, not nubs. I always thought nubs were, like, what is left after an amputation, no? I don't know if I would feel too good pwning a nub. For those of you who are confused, pwn means "owned" and n00bs refers to people who are new at a particular website or game. I believe this is what the internets calls l33t speak. So basically, the moral of this story is that VANITY PLATES ARE L4M3, even for the uber nerds.

Thanks to Squidrox for this photo.

A Face Only a Mother Could Love

BAG FACE, you are a mystery on wheels. All I could do was laugh when I saw this photo (sent in by Samantha). She writes: I saw this plate while driving through a business complex. I had to go back and make sure I read it right. BAG FACE. WTH?

My guess is that BAG FACE has a dreamboat body, but a shipwreck face. Something a brown bag might remedy. I could also guess that the driver of this car has some sort of Halloween costume called BAG FACE that they really think is great. I would redirect you to what the Urban Dictionary's loose definition of this is, but it gets a little racy. Let's just say it involves a tea bag.

I don't know. What do you think?

Vanity Plate Mind Control

WARNING: Passing this vehicle will either make you very sleepy or you'll have the sudden urge stop smoking. Either way, this plate is obnoxious. Don't you think? Smoochiefrog, thanks for sending HPNOSIS our way.

I bet the driver of this vehicle has a pocket watch swinging from his rear view mirror, heh heh. Too bad your first request for a vanity plate was rejected (obtained from my top-secret DMV files):

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Look, your name might be Michael, Mandy, or Michelle Rogers, but as I drove past you all I could think of was: Mr. Rogers.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood! Those cardigan sweaters are pretty irresistible, no? What about a "speedy delivery" from Mr. McFeely (does anyone else McFeel like that's an inappropriate name and catch phrase for a mailman on a children's television show)? And let's not forget the trolley that takes you to the Neighborhood of Make Believe where a tiny king rules over a land of crazy humans and hand puppets. Um, why do all children's shows make me feel like I've licked the back of a magical toad?

Remember: You can make each day special by just being you (use of a turn signal helps, too).

Trans (R)am(page)

So I received this email the other day:

I parked behind this beauty back in March and had the good sense to take this photo with my phone. It is, at the same time, the most ridiculous and appropriate license plate I've ever seen. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Keep on keepin' on,
Megs

Then I watched as the picture downloaded, and whispered, "Oh hell yeah!" at my computer screen. Perfectly annoying vanity plate submish, Megs! I like how the car is completely filthy, as if it's saying "What? Do you think Rampagin' is a clean job??"

Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

Bill Lumbergh: So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?
Peter Gibbons: No.
Bill Lumbergh: Ah. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm?
Peter Gibbons: Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. In fact, look, I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.
Bill Lumbergh: I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.

Our thanks goes to dizzblnd for sending in this photo. She actually asked the driver of this vehicle if she could take a picture of this plate for the website, and according to her, he wasn't fazed at all. So thanks to you both. I actually think this plate is quite funny. For your courteous submission, I make you an official member of the plate-arazzi!

Oh, and next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.